Don’t talk of dust and roses

Tips for modern life #1

Whilst at the supermarket, as you’re ratching in the bargain bin for out of date plums and dented tins of tomatoes, just leave your trolley blocking the whole aisle. Most of us harbour a mistaken premise that shopping is boring and takes far too long. We will never learn the error of our ways if you leave us enough room to get through, thus reducing our time in there to a fucking minimum. If you combine this approach with chatting to an acquaintance you can actually bring the whole fucking shop to a standstill…. Be creative, if four of you stop for a chat at an intersection, leaving two trolleys across separate aisles the whole of western civilisation will come to a complete fucking stop… In fact I think this tactic was to blame for the recent banking crash.

If you are forced to take a telephone call in a public place, make sure you fucking shout everything at the top of your lungs… We’ll never know if little Tyler said his first word, or your ageing relative’s haemorrhoids have shrivelled up and dropped off, if you carry on your conversation in a lowered tone maintaining your privacy. Even better, if it’s a work conversation, tell everyone all the confidential information as if we weren’t fucking there, it makes you sound important, the louder the better…. Twat.

When eating out in a café or restaurant, make sure you eat with mouth open, fuck it, carry on full conversations with bits of food spraying from your gob. It’s an extremely attractive trait, people will respect you for it, women will throw themselves at your feet.

During those annoying times when you have to take your children out with you, make sure you don’t in any way try to control their behaviour. Allow them to run riot, other people will make sure they don’t hurt themselves. This approach is more useful in confined spaces like an aircraft or small restaurant, where staff will be happy to prevent Tyler or Chardonnay from being burned alive or falling to their deaths. The screeching of your venomous offspring is music to our ears, the pitch they achieve, the one that makes your brain vibrate to the point of terminal migraine is actually beneficial to the community, it stops people from finishing their food and this helps weight loss… Thank you.

When taking your dog for a walk, just allow it to shit on the street outside someone’s front door. Don’t worry about cleaning it up, we will never improve our observational skills if you constantly remove the foul smelling mounds. Another good idea is to allow them to defecate in or near childrens’ play areas, that way parents will stop using them and we will all have the benefit of the joyful sounds of their innocent cacophony within earshot.

Next in this award winning series – Tips for the modern trainer.

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